Red v. Blue?

[unixronin]

By now, I'm guessing most people have probably seen this "Dear Red States" letter from Craigslist or elsewhere.

In the same less-than-entirely-serious vein...

---

Dear Blue States,

We'd like to point out that in a red/blue split, most of Washington State — the entire state from the Cascades east — would stay.  Sure, Seattle, Everett, Tacoma and Olympia would probably leave with you.  We're OK with that.  I think much of New Hampshire and Vermont would have a few words to say about you taking the entire northeast, too, and I suspect a big chunk of upstate New York and Maine would stay — especially if we can have the real Republican party back, not these ex-Democrat neocon wackos who've subverted it.  You're welcome to Massachusetts, though.  (And Connecticut?  "Don't tread on me", my ass.)

We're so glad you're taking Hollywood.  Those people are completely delusional.

Enjoy Yosemite.  We get to keep the Grand Canyon, the Painted Desert, Yellowstone, Natural Arches, the Bonneville Salt Flats, and the Black Rock Desert.  We get the Rockies, the Cascades, the Grand Tetons, the Black Hills, the Appalachians, the Adirondacks, the Blue Ridge Mountains and the Smokies.  You can have the Hudson River, San Francisco Bay and Puget Sound; we get to keep Cape Hatteras and the Outer Banks, Chesapeake Bay, Daytona Beach, and the Florida Keys.  You get the Needles; we get Mount Rushmore and Crazy Horse Mountain.  You get the Hollywood sign, Interstate 5, the nation's worst traffic congestion, and the smog in the Bay Area and LA; we keep Hoover Dam and Boulder Dam.  You get Mount Shasta, Mount Hood and Mount St. Helens; we keep Pike's Peak, Mount McKinley, and Denali.

We get pretty much all of the beef cattle, and pretty much the entire Wheat Belt and Corn Belt.  (But you can make your bread from soy flour, right?  We hope you can grow enough soybeans.)  You take the California fruit with you; we get to keep Georgia's (better) peaches and Florida's (better) oranges.

Sure, you get most of the domestic pot.  You're welcome to it.  You get to keep most of the gangbangers along with it.  (You get to take the majority of the nation's crime with you, in fact.  We salute your noble sacrifice.)  We, on the other hand, get to keep all of that lovely Kentucky bourbon — in fact, just about all of the domestic whiskey/bourbon production — and a few 'shiners.  I'm pretty certain we get the better end of that trade.

But you're bloody well welcome to Illinois.  Take it and Michigan both with our blessings.  Please!  You get the domestic auto industry, too.  We hope that works out well for you.  And Washington DC!  Oh, please, please take Washington DC.  We'll take all of your gun-owners off your hands, if you'll just take DC.  You know you want to.

(Oh, and make sure you don't accidentally leave Maryland or Delaware behind.  We'll even throw in New Jersey.  How's that for a deal?)

Comments

[fatcook.livejournal.com]

We also get about 80% of California's water, Monument Valley, most of the beer production, Nashville, Fort Knox and two of the Mints. If they get lower New York, do they get the financial mess too?

[cipherpunk.livejournal.com]

I was amused to no end by the "Dear Red State" letters in which the author wrote "We get Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay."

Given Ken Lay is dead and Elliot Spitzer is in disgrace, I think the Red Staters have come out on the winning side of history. :)

[unixronin.livejournal.com]

You have a definite point there. :)

[jmkelly.livejournal.com]

I was doing fine until you got to the whiskey. Please don't take the bourbon! We can work it out!

On the other hand, I think anyone who can contemplate life without California wine is certifiable.

And may I remind you that you're using blue-state technology right now?

[unixronin.livejournal.com]

And may I remind you that you're using blue-state technology right now?

Well, personally, I don't think there's really any such thing as red and blue states in the first place. In those terms, they're all shades of purple — or rather, patchworks of shades of purple down to at least the household level. Yes, there are states that tend to consistently vote Democratic overall, and states that consistently vote Republican overall, but the margins are rarely as large as the red/blue graphics would suggest.

But then, you knew that already.

[jmkelly.livejournal.com]

Indeed I do. I was expecting you to come back with something about the large number of Libertarians in the computer/telecommunications fields -- what color are they? Definitely not red or blue.

Don't get me started on California. It's blue from the outside, in national elections, but from the inside . . . with only a couple of exceptions, the inland parts are as red as Texas.

[ilcylic.livejournal.com]

I think anyone who can contemplate life without California wine is certifiable.

New Mexican wine is better. :D

[jmkelly.livejournal.com]

For what? ;)

[cymrullewes.livejournal.com]

On the other hand, I think anyone who can contemplate life without California wine is certifiable.


Oh, I can, easily. We'll still have the ice wines. :-)

[ilcylic.livejournal.com]

I've often thought about ... forcibly gifting Canada with both Detroit and Chicago. But that might make them mad enough to start a real war over it.

[lwj2.livejournal.com]

The PPLI burning Washington D.C. to the ground ... happy thought there.

Keep the wine, we've got enough deep-water ports to bring in stuff from Chile, Argentina, Oz and New Zealand. Plus Virginia. Don't laugh too hard, several of the Commonwealth's wineries have kicked your ass in tasting contests. In Europe.

And 80 percent of the nation's fresh water? Good. We're turning off the taps from the Colorado River. Puget Sound? No problem, the Gulf coast, Bath Iron Works and NNSDC can take up the slack for the Navy. Maybe you can rebuild the facilities at PSNS and make stuff for the commies, COMSUBFLT needs targets anyhow.

Keep the weed, we'll have Kentucky Burley and Virginia Bright. And all the Bourbon.

Do svidania.

[drdemure.livejournal.com]

Don't you see? We just purely aren't that divided, no matter what anyone thinks.

Dear Red States, ah...something for my own journal.

[unixronin.livejournal.com]

I see, yes. You may or may not have noticed I tagged this as humor. ;)

[milktree.livejournal.com]

I find all of these comparisons pretty distasteful, and, frankly, stupid.

It's like saying, "I like beef, but not cowshit, so I"m going to keep the legs. shoulders, and head but get rid of the asshole and hooves."

There's no way to make a red vs. blue comparison without coming across as a sore loser or sore winner.

[ithildae.livejournal.com]

I appreciate the humor. There is a part of me that is uneasy with it. We have conducted the only poll that I really care about. My country has a new leader, and I have new representatives. They represent me. I am an American.

[unixronin.livejournal.com]

I'm not so sure about our "representatives" reflecting us ... at best, I think they represent us third, behind their corporate backers and themselves.

But aside from that ... yeah. I just hope our new leader has the sense to try to heal the wounds, instead of rubbing more salt in them.