Bears Are Faster Than You Are

ehintz posted a couple of stories about bears and beer, which reminded me of a related story (i.e, both bears and beer were involved) told to me by the saddlemaker from whom I learned custom sadlery .... the moral of the story, which we shall use as an informal title, is Bears Are Faster Than You Are.

Seems these four good ol' boys took a trip to Yellowstone in their shiny foah-bah, and what should they see as they're cruising through the park but a big ol' b'ar.  Now there's rules against feeding the bears, of course, because the rangers don't want the bears fraternizing with humans, but that was of course not the least obstacle to these nimrods.  So, one of these epitomes of macho male chaw-spittin', beer-drinkin' masculinity decides to show off how tough, macho, and stupid he is.  (I have no knowledge of whether the ceremonial words "Hey, y'all hold mah beer and watch this now!" were actually uttered.)

Anyway, having persuaded a partner-in-stupidity in the front seat to lure the bear close to the truck by throwing hot dog buns to it, Nimrod the Mighty Hunter leans out of his open window and swats the bear on the ear.  The bear naturally swats back, a lot faster and a lot harder, apparently coming pretty close to ripping his arm off at the shoulder.  Our four Einsteins promptly race off to the nearest Ranger station, where they tell a lurid tale of their unfortunate comrade being attacked by a bear.

Suspicious, one of the rangers goes off to investigate while first aid is administered and an ambulance summoned to take Mr. Bleeding All Over The Ranger Station to the nearest hospital.  The park rangers know their bears pretty well, and from where the incident occurred, they have a pretty good idea of which bear it is, and the bear in question is of a pretty mellow and inoffensive disposition.  Sure enough, in about 20 minutes he's able to locate a witness who willingly tells him what really happened.

Anyway, in the end, the Rangers declined to press any charges, but after our hero Mr. "Hey, My Right Arm Don't Work So Good" has been hauled off in the ambulance, his buddies are escorted in force to the nearest park gate, where it is explained very clearly to them which direction leads away from the park, whence they are warned not to return.

Ever.