OK, so .... one more major update for now.

[unixronin]

I have another update from my parents.  They don't know where there would be to put all of us; there'll be no room in Nan's house, and we won't be able to afford a hotel.  At most, there might be room for me to go on my own, and ...

"Even more frankly, I am not sure that I could cope myself with this stressful event AND visitors to cater for - even if they are beloved family.  I am working hard at trying to avoid the stress that leads to my devastating migraine attacks, which is no mean feat nowadays."  (From my mom.)

There's considerable doubt at this point whether Nan will even survive until they get there (they're flying to England on Tuesday), and she's slipping into dementia from all the blood chemistry weirdness.  My aunt Pat in Ilfracombe waited three precious days trying to decide what to say and how to say it before she passed the latest news on, and that delay appears to have closed the window of opportunity.  In short, the odds are she'd be dead before I could get there, and that even if still alive, she'll be either comatose or too deep into dementia to be aware of anything.

I don't want to remember Nan that way.

I want to remember Nan as the happy, laughing grandmother with the broad Devonshire accent, who always had a smile for everyone and always had the energy for climbing the Capstone or a walk across the Downs.  It sounds like it's too late to see her again that way, and I don't want the last time I see her to be as someone who's barely aware of her surroundings and needs 24-hour hospice care.

So taking everything into consideration, I'm taking discretion as the better part of valor and calling the effort off.

I want to repeat my most heartfelt thanks to all of those who have given or offered help (novel_tharkun, Snack, ehintz, ttocs, technoshaman, omahas, tww1fa, beckyzoole) or expressed support (ilcylic, juuro, iphy among others), and I hope all of you understand how much it means to me that people we've (in some cases) never met are willing to go to bat for us like this.  But I want it clearly understood that I appreciate and respect all your generosity too much to take it when it seems it's really too late to do anything but stand at her bedside and wonder if she knew anyone was there anyway.

Thank you all, immensely.  I just wish things hadn't gone downhill so suddenly.  More, I wish we weren't in such a lousy situation and had been able to visit back when she first started going downhill, or last year before she got this bad at all.

I'm going to stay up and call my aunt in Ilfracombe in a few hours, to ask how Nan's doing and if she's still lucid enough to talk to her on the phone (I don't actually know if she's even home from the hospital yet; I know they're going to bring her home, but I don't know when that's happening), and if we can do that, then we will.  But I think trying to do any more than that now would be more for our benefit to feel that we'd done all we could than it would be for hers.  novel_tharkun found another flight leaving from Dulles tomorrow that could get just me there on Monday, but it'd clean us out, I don't know if even that would be in time, and it would burn resources that are needed here to support cymrullewes and the girls.  cymrullewes insists I should go, but I feel it would be irresponsible.

 

There's a time to hang on, and there's a time to let go.

This is one of the times to let go.

---

There's a house on the hillside,
Where the drifting sands are born,
Lay down and let the slow tide wash me
back to the land where I came from,
Where the mountain men are kings
and the sound of the piper counts for everything.
Where the real mountain men are kings
and the sound of the piper counts for everything.

Feel the naked dust beneath my toes
while the future sun calls winds to blow
and the past and present black-eyed crow
flies hunting high and circling low
between dream mountains of our Eden.

Comments

[rbos.livejournal.com]

Wise. I approve.

I've been debating throwing some cash into the pot all evening; I can spare it. Little as that means now.

[unixronin.livejournal.com]

Thank you for the thought.

[ehintz.livejournal.com]

Fare you well my honey
Fare you well my only true one
All the birds that were singing
Have flown except you alone

Goin to leave this Broke-down Palace
On my hands and my knees I will roll roll roll
Make myself a bed by the waterside
In my time - in my time - I will roll roll roll

In a bed, in a bed
by the waterside I will lay my head
Listen to the river sing sweet songs
to rock my soul

River gonna take me
Sing me sweet and sleepy
Sing me sweet and sleepy
all the way back back home
It's a far gone lullaby
sung many years ago
Mama, Mama, many worlds I've come
since I first left home

Goin home, goin home
by the waterside I will rest my bones
Listen to the river sing sweet songs
to rock my soul

Goin to plant a weeping willow
On the banks green edge it will grow grow grow
Sing a lullaby beside the water
Lovers come and go - the river roll roll roll

Fare you well, fare you well
I love you more than words can tell
Listen to the river sing sweet songs
to rock my soul

http://ia200019.eu.archive.org/hdc1/audio/gd85-06-16.sbd.braveman.26080.sbeok.shnf/gd85-06-16d3t06_vbr.mp3

[unixronin.livejournal.com]

I'm completely unable to place that, though I have the feeling I should recognize it. Who is it?

(A little voice in my head is whispering "Bob Dylan", but I'm not sure if I trust it.)

[ehintz.livejournal.com]

Grateful Dead... You may know it from their studio recording of American Beauty(which was insanely popular and is admittedly one of their best studio works), though Dead aficionados tend to shun studio works in favor of live (the mp3 link is of course live, since I'm a Dead aficionado ;-) ).

[unixronin.livejournal.com]

This is where I have to publicly shame myself by admitting that I actually don't think I really know any of the Grateful Dead's music, that I'm aware of. I'm fairly sure I've heard a little here and there on the radio, just by sheer random chance, but I've never really heard enough to get a feel for it, and I've never actually gone to seek it out.

[ehintz.livejournal.com]

It's a pretty heavy duty undertaking... I've done 50 odd shows, and I'm still something of a newbie in a lot of aspects. OTOH I did do my homework, so I can hold my own with some of the old timers... Worth a look. The Dead were totally unique, and incredibly interesting once you understood the framework within which they operated.

[omahas.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry. Losing a loved one is always hard, more so when one is in such difficult financial straits. But I think you are doing the right thing. The real reason to visit would be two-fold: (1) to help the family out, (2) to be there for Nan in her final hour. And it seems that your presence will accomplish neither. Best to be there in spirit, remember her as she was, and talk to your children about her as you remember her to have been...laughing and happy and alive.

[unixronin.livejournal.com]

That was my thinking too. In fact, given that I'm not the most mobile of people any more, it's not unlikely that I'd get in the way at least as much as I managed to help.

[ilcylic.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry, mate. I wish there was more I could do.

("kinda weepy")

I know it's my duty (as best man) to "take care of things" but I'm nearly as broke as you are.

*thinks of seeing my grammie the last time, 18 months into stomach cancer and 'recognized' as a brother, not a grandson, 'cause of the drugs...*

I know I'm the wrong guy to offer this advice, but... "Remember the happy times..."

*hugs*

I've got like... 7 frequent flier miles. I could get you down the street, but not to England.

-Ogre

[cymrullewes.livejournal.com]

I've got like... 7 frequent flier miles. I could get you down the street, but not to England.

My Dear Boy, that wouldn't even get us in to town for milk. That's how far out in to the sticks we are. :-p

Love you lots and thank you.

[ilcylic.livejournal.com]

It's like trying to win the X-Prize with a box and a half of .45 ACP and an en bloc M1 clip of .30-06...

-Ogre

[unixronin.livejournal.com]

BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMsproing!

[ilcylic.livejournal.com]

THUMPTHUMPTHUMPTHUMPTHUMPTHUMPTHUMP "ahhhhhhhh" *thud*

"Well, that was 3 feet. Only 369997 to go!"

-Ogre

[unixronin.livejournal.com]

Yeah, that's what I've been thinking. I don't want to spoil the good memories I have if she's not gonna know I'm there anyway.

I may bounce some drawings off you later for some ideas on a modified shifter for the 929 to try to make best use of what ankle motion I have left. Basically, I'm thinking of replacing the peg on a shifter with something like a slightly asymmetric U turned on its side. The idea is I won't have to get my foot under or on top of it to shift, just slide my toe into it from the side. I'm thinking it may reduce the total movement I need.

[ilcylic.livejournal.com]

We could even change the axis of motion from "up - dwon" to "side - side". Just drop you heel on the peg, with your toes in the "u", move "towards the bike" for down shift and "away from the bike" for upshift. That way if you start losing motion, you can use your thigh for the kicker. In fact, if you get really stuck it all comes down to groin muscles ("squeeze") to down shift to 1st. Easy peasy to make the linkages.

-Ogre

[unixronin.livejournal.com]

I doubt that'd be productive. At least what up-and-down motion I have doesn't hurt. (he says, foot deciding to hurt as he tries it.) Side-to-side motion is a strain right away, and pulls strangely. I have very little side-to-side strength in that foot. At least up and down, I can fairly easily lift from the thigh if need be.

[ilcylic.livejournal.com]

Ok. Just something that had occurred to me as I was typing it out. We'll build whatever it takes to make it work.

-Ogre

[ilcylic.livejournal.com]

PS: Y'makin me cry. (Y'know how much I hate to cry.)

Heh. Why is it I'm weeping more over y'Nan goin than me own Grammie? (Because I know how much my Grammie needed to go, 'ts why...)

Ach. *more hugs*

G'night.

-Ogre

[unixronin.livejournal.com]

You never can tell which things are going to get to you.....

[tabbifli.livejournal.com]

All of the family's best thoughts to your family.

[databeast.livejournal.com]

as a wise old boss of mine would say

"I get that"

it really doesn't matter what the explanation is, it only matters that you can find a place for it. I get that, and I agree; I can't say any more that would matter.

[janetmiles.livejournal.com]

I'm so very sorry. I wish things had been / were being different.

[jilara.livejournal.com]

I am sorry to hear this. I had always hoped to meet her myself, as she seemed quite an interesting person. But this is one journey we will all face, eventually, and she has lived long and well. I have spent considerable time at the side of deathbeds, and every case is different. The ones that matter are those where one's presence makes a big difference to the person who is passing. I think, in this case, you should keep the best memories, and not add this sad denoument. Hugs and supportive thoughts.

[smileswhf.livejournal.com]

My belated sympathies. I didn't see your posts until it was too late to offer my help as well.

[micheinnz.livejournal.com]

I only just saw your original post an hour or so ago. You are all in my thoughts; I have one grandma left and I'm not looking forward to her going.

[unixronin.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the thought.